Being an A$$hole Does Not Make You a Narcissist…And Here’s Why
Luke Fenwick is a Melbourne-based life coach, leadership coach and ultra-endurance athlete. He helps men and women master mindset, habits and discipline to build lives they’re proud of. Connect on LinkedIn.
There is a word that seems to have found its way into almost every conversation about a difficult relationship, bad boss, selfish ex-partner or inconsiderate family member.
Narcissist.
Someone talks about themselves too much? Narcissist.
Your boss takes credit for your work? Narcissist.
Someone refuses to apologise after an argument? Narcissist.
Your ex was selfish, controlling and generally behaved like an asshole? Definitely a narcissist.
Except, maybe they weren't.
Over the past few years, psychological language has increasingly found its way into everyday conversation. In many ways, that's a positive thing. We are talking more openly about mental health, behaviour, trauma, emotional intelligence and dysfunctional relationships than previous generations ever did.
But there is a downside.
We have started turning clinical language into shorthand for behaviour we don't like. "Narcissist" has become one of those words. And while someone's behaviour can absolutely be selfish, arrogant, manipulative, entitled or hurtful, that does not automatically mean they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Sometimes people demonstrate narcissistic traits.
Sometimes people repeatedly behave in deeply unhealthy ways.
And sometimes, frankly, someone is just being an asshole and I’m here to tell you, understanding the difference matters.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, commonly referred to as NPD, is a recognised personality disorder. It is considerably more complex than simply being confident, self-absorbed or difficult to deal with.
The DSM-5-TR describes NPD as a pervasive pattern involving grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. For a clinical diagnosis, at least five of nine diagnostic criteria must be present. These include characteristics such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, fantasies of exceptional success or power, a belief in one's own special status, excessive need for admiration, entitlement, interpersonal exploitation, lack of empathy, envy and arrogant behaviour. Importantly, this pattern begins by early adulthood and occurs across different situations rather than appearing in one argument, relationship or difficult period of someone's life.
That word pervasive matters.
Personality disorders aren't diagnosed because somebody behaved badly at Christmas lunch, became unbearable during a divorce or turned into an egomaniac after receiving a promotion.
They involve enduring patterns in how a person experiences themselves, relates to other people and moves through the world.
And diagnosis belongs with appropriately qualified mental-health professionals, not TikTok, Instagram, your mates at the pub or someone who has watched three videos about narcissistic ex-partners.
Then There Are Narcissistic Traits
This is where the conversation becomes more interesting.
Narcissism isn't simply an on/off switch where one group of people are narcissists and everybody else is completely free of narcissistic tendencies. Human personality is considerably messier than that. A person can demonstrate narcissistic characteristics without meeting the diagnostic threshold for NPD. They might crave recognition, become defensive when criticised, exaggerate their contribution, dominate conversations or occasionally place their own needs well ahead of everyone else's.
If we're willing to look at ourselves closely enough, most of us can probably recognise moments when we've behaved in ways that aren't particularly flattering.
Think about the last time somebody challenged something you were proud of.
Did you immediately become defensive?
Have you ever wanted recognition for something you achieved?
Have you ever steered a conversation back towards yourself?
Have you ever secretly enjoyed being the most important person in the room?
Have you ever struggled to genuinely listen because you were too busy preparing your response?
None of those moments, by themselves, make you a narcissist. They make you human.
The more useful question is whether those behaviours form a rigid, persistent pattern that repeatedly damages relationships and functioning, or whether they are behaviours you can recognise, take responsibility for and change.
What About an "Actual Narcissist"?
This is where language gets slippery.
People commonly use "narcissist" as though it is a halfway clinical category: more serious than having a few narcissistic traits but somehow different from having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Clinically, it doesn't really work that way.
There is NPD, which has diagnostic criteria, and there are narcissistic personality characteristics that can vary in type and severity. Even NPD itself is more nuanced than the stereotype of the loud, arrogant person obsessed with themselves, I wrote here about the male ego if you want to go deeper. Research and clinical descriptions recognise vulnerability alongside grandiosity, including fragile self-esteem and significant sensitivity to criticism or failure.
That is precisely why diagnosing someone from a few behaviours is so unreliable.
The label might feel satisfying, it doesn't necessarily make it accurate and it can be damaging in many ways not only to us but the other person wearing the laebl, that we placed there.
And Sometimes Someone Is Just Being an Asshole
This might be the category we've forgotten exists.
Someone can be selfish without having a personality disorder.
They can lie and cheat. Even take credit for somebody else's work.
Behave arrogantly, ignore your feelings.
Lose their temper.
Refuse to listen.
And make just about everything about themselves.
They can demonstrate some genuinely terrible behaviour without that behaviour automatically becoming evidence of a psychiatric condition.
Calling someone an asshole isn't a clinical assessment. It's a judgement about their behaviour.
And strangely, that can sometimes be more useful.
Because when every difficult behaviour becomes a diagnosis, we risk shifting our attention away from the thing that actually matters: what the person is doing and the impact it is having.
You don't need to diagnose your boss with NPD to decide that repeatedly humiliating staff is unacceptable.
You don't need to prove your partner is a narcissist before establishing a boundary around how you're willing to be spoken to.
And you don't need a psychological label for someone before deciding their behaviour no longer belongs in your life.
Behaviour Is More Useful Than the Label
This is the part of the conversation I think we often miss.
We have become incredibly interested in identifying what people are.
Narcissist! Toxic!
Gaslighter!
But from a behaviour-change perspective, I am much more interested in what somebody consistently does.
Do they take responsibility?
Can they hear feedback without immediately attacking the person giving it?
Do they recognise the impact of their behaviour?
Can they apologise without adding a justification?
Do they respect boundaries?
Most importantly, when confronted with the consequences of their behaviour, are they willing and able to change it?
Those questions tell you something useful.
Because labels can give us language, but they can also become shortcuts that stop us thinking.
There are people living with genuine personality disorders who deserve accurate diagnosis rather than internet caricatures. There are people with narcissistic tendencies who are capable of becoming more self-aware and changing how they behave. And there are people with no diagnosable personality disorder whatsoever who still consistently treat other people terribly.
Those things can all be true at the same time.
So perhaps the next time we're tempted to diagnose somebody from across the dinner table, the office or the aftermath of a relationship, there is a simpler question worth asking.
Not:
"Are they a narcissist?"
But:
"What behaviour am I actually seeing, what impact is it having, and what am I going to do about it?"
Because being an asshole does not necessarily make someone a narcissist.
Sometimes it just means they're behaving like an asshole.
And that's still something they should be held accountable for.
FAQ about narcissistic behaviour
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Yes. People can display narcissistic traits such as defensiveness, entitlement, self-importance or a strong need for recognition without meeting the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Narcissistic characteristics can occur to varying degrees. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognised mental-health condition involving a persistent and pervasive pattern that meets specific diagnostic criteria and requires professional assessment.
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No. Selfishness, arrogance, poor empathy or inconsiderate behaviour can occur without NPD. Individual behaviours should not be treated as a psychiatric diagnosis.
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You don't diagnose NPD simply by observing a few behaviours. Diagnosis requires assessment by an appropriately qualified mental-health professional against established diagnostic criteria.
